She Came Undone
She sat gazing into space, feeling alone, feeling defeated, thinking, remembering the past....
Had she had any intentions for falling for him? No. Did she choose to fall for him? No. Always the same answer, but how could she not fall for such a warm soul she wondered.
It wasn't in her plans to fall in love with him. He was just a friend. Yet there she was after 3 years of friendship feeling confused about why she got so jealous of him talking about another girl. She denied it at first, fought the idea so hard. She didn't want to face the reality of the matter. She had feelings for her best friend.
They continued to be friends for another 4 years and all through this time she kept her feelings a secret. She would drop hints at times about how she felt, only to make a joke out of it so he would never suspect a thing. Only with time her feelings got in the way and the frustration started to build up because she couldn't express what was really going inside of her. This led her to pick fights with him, which ended up with each of them hurting one another. The fights continued until one day she did something to betray his trust and this led to their last big argument.
A few weeks later she decided to E-mail him to apologize for the argument and for everything that lead to it, but most importantly she decided to tell him about her true feelings since she had nothing else to lose. She had already lost the most important thing, his friendship.
She waited for his response for days. She had hope that he would answer her for he had always said that he would never be the one to end the friendship, that he would never be the one to walk away. A month went by after which she finally admited to herself that he was not going to reply to her E-mail.
She knew she had hurt him a lot during that last argument, but she thought that seven years of friendship would account for one last reply. She tried to forget, she tried to move on, only the memories would not fade away. So she tried again after a year to contact him. She sent him another E-mail telling him she still had feelings for him, she told him she didn't want anything in return just some answers to questions she frequently wondered about. She needed answers. She was looking for closure.
This time there was a response, a promise to answer all her questions, he just needed some time to sort things out. So she waited, only he never kept his promise, and 7 seven months passed without a word from him.
As fate would have it, after all thoes months she saw him by chance. It was as if a year and half of silence did not exist. She felt such a rush of adrenaline when she saw him, she felt cold and hot all at the same time. She wanted to gaze upon him as long as she could, to memorize every detail of his features, to engrave every line on his face in her heart, for she knew it might be the last time she would ever lay her eyes upon him. Only this time, pride stepped in, and the memory of his silence, his broken promise, and all the pain she experience came rushing back like a slap of a cold winter air across her face. So she walked away without a word.
That same night as she lay in bed, she yearned to pick up the phone, to call him just to hear his voice, just to talk for a while. She knew of course that she could not do that, and she could never do that again.
The tears flowed down her face. She had survived the shock of his silence twice before, emerging as a stronger person from those experiences, only this time it was different. She was afraid. She never felt so defeated, so out of place in her world. She was losing her desire to live, her will was gone. She had become undone.
She realized at that moment she was still in love with him even after all that had taken place. She did not know if she was a loser for still feeling that way about him, or if that made her less of a person. The only sure thing she knew of was the love that still burnt in her soul for him.
So she closed her eyes, and whispered the words she had not uttered in a year and a half. The same words she had whispered every night during all those years they were together, "I love you my friend, my warmsoul. imauh"
Had she had any intentions for falling for him? No. Did she choose to fall for him? No. Always the same answer, but how could she not fall for such a warm soul she wondered.
It wasn't in her plans to fall in love with him. He was just a friend. Yet there she was after 3 years of friendship feeling confused about why she got so jealous of him talking about another girl. She denied it at first, fought the idea so hard. She didn't want to face the reality of the matter. She had feelings for her best friend.
They continued to be friends for another 4 years and all through this time she kept her feelings a secret. She would drop hints at times about how she felt, only to make a joke out of it so he would never suspect a thing. Only with time her feelings got in the way and the frustration started to build up because she couldn't express what was really going inside of her. This led her to pick fights with him, which ended up with each of them hurting one another. The fights continued until one day she did something to betray his trust and this led to their last big argument.
A few weeks later she decided to E-mail him to apologize for the argument and for everything that lead to it, but most importantly she decided to tell him about her true feelings since she had nothing else to lose. She had already lost the most important thing, his friendship.
She waited for his response for days. She had hope that he would answer her for he had always said that he would never be the one to end the friendship, that he would never be the one to walk away. A month went by after which she finally admited to herself that he was not going to reply to her E-mail.
She knew she had hurt him a lot during that last argument, but she thought that seven years of friendship would account for one last reply. She tried to forget, she tried to move on, only the memories would not fade away. So she tried again after a year to contact him. She sent him another E-mail telling him she still had feelings for him, she told him she didn't want anything in return just some answers to questions she frequently wondered about. She needed answers. She was looking for closure.
This time there was a response, a promise to answer all her questions, he just needed some time to sort things out. So she waited, only he never kept his promise, and 7 seven months passed without a word from him.
As fate would have it, after all thoes months she saw him by chance. It was as if a year and half of silence did not exist. She felt such a rush of adrenaline when she saw him, she felt cold and hot all at the same time. She wanted to gaze upon him as long as she could, to memorize every detail of his features, to engrave every line on his face in her heart, for she knew it might be the last time she would ever lay her eyes upon him. Only this time, pride stepped in, and the memory of his silence, his broken promise, and all the pain she experience came rushing back like a slap of a cold winter air across her face. So she walked away without a word.
That same night as she lay in bed, she yearned to pick up the phone, to call him just to hear his voice, just to talk for a while. She knew of course that she could not do that, and she could never do that again.
The tears flowed down her face. She had survived the shock of his silence twice before, emerging as a stronger person from those experiences, only this time it was different. She was afraid. She never felt so defeated, so out of place in her world. She was losing her desire to live, her will was gone. She had become undone.
She realized at that moment she was still in love with him even after all that had taken place. She did not know if she was a loser for still feeling that way about him, or if that made her less of a person. The only sure thing she knew of was the love that still burnt in her soul for him.
So she closed her eyes, and whispered the words she had not uttered in a year and a half. The same words she had whispered every night during all those years they were together, "I love you my friend, my warmsoul. imauh"
posted by illusion @ 11:25 PM
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